Diary of a Metal Mommy

OK folks.  I haven't wriiten in here for quite a while and now I'm coming in on the re-entry with some pretty philosophical deep stuff.  Bear with me.  :-)

Lately I've been slowly coming to a realization that seems so elementary, and yet...nigh-impossible for me to really take in.  Dare I say it, but I think life really is about the journey.  I know I've read that, heard that, thought about that at some point in the past but only now has it just started to settle itself onto the outer layers of my wary soul.  

I started thinking about my life and how really my entire purpose for being since I became an adult has been trying to DO something.  Trying to GET TO something. Trying to BE something.  It began in junior high when I unexpectedly found myself nailing a solo in choir which elicited a roaring round of applause from my not-always-so-nice adolescent classmates--from then on, I wanted to be a star.  For a long time it was a musical star, a singer.  First a jazz vocalist, maybe the next member of Manhattan Transfer--then a rock star, singing in various bands in Los Angeles.  After rock and roll burnout, I decided a star coffee shop owner was the role for me.  Soon realizing that owning a business wasn't as glamorous as it seemed to be--especially in Missoula, Montana--that dream gave way as well.

I took some time off to get married and have some babies, but it didn't take long to get back on the 'I've gotta be a star' bandwagon. At some point I started a screenplay, thinking maybe 'screenwriter' was my calling.  Baby number two took my attention away from that venture.

From there the 'star' dream has continued in different shapes and forms.  Writing music and doing an online musical project, voice over work, commercial work, trying to break into radio, even my podcast...all attempts to get myself 'out there' in the world.  Honestly part of me is embarrassed by my never-ending need for attention...!!!  Why is that so important to me??  Someone once told me that for whatever reason, I just feel the need to be heard.  I found that very interesting and apropos.  It was like Lucy when Schroeder finally plays Jingle Bells the way she envisioned it and she exclaims, "That's It!!"  And when someone happens to hear my very loud laugh--which is pretty impossible not to, as long as you're in the same zip code--they would definitely agree that I need to be heard...!

I guess back in junior high I did myself a disservice and decided that I had to be doing something extraordinary in my life to make it all worth while.  That somehow having a wonderful husband, loving children, a great home, a couple of fun part-time jobs and fabulous friends wasn't enough... I needed some kind of Out There career.  And since I have yet to really achieve any of those things in the grand way that I expect of myself I've felt bummed and somehow lacking.  It's very frustrating.  Oh, I've had a little 'taste' of success here and there, but nothing that's lived up to my standards as of yet.  Ug, who wants to live life that way?

So it came to me the other day that I was actually quite happy.  That I DO have a wonderful husband, the best children, fun and fabulous friends and I am doing things that make me enjoy my time here on earth.  Working at Hot Mama may not be a career, but I enjoy myself when I'm there.  Moms Like Me is a great outlet for me to be creative and meet some really wonderful people.  I look back at my life and think of all the stuff I have done and am still doing!  It's definitely been anything but boring!! Maybe life really is about the journey.  Maybe whoever said that really knew what they were talking about.  Maybe just loving where you are at the moment--or not loving it but carrying on anyway because you have people that love and support you and damnit you just have to pull through another day-- is what is so extraordinary in life.

Oh, I'll still always strive to do something new, fun and different--I don't think I could ever stop that.  But it's taken this long to start to realize that there is more to life than being a star.  Or better yet, I AM a star--we all are, just going about the every-day things that we do and doing them the best we can.  Maybe, just maybe...